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Dear Dad,
Mom and you made me. I know. But did you ever wanted to see me grow?
I am no longer the baby you carried and put to sleep for not more than two or three times, the baby who was not your daughter as what you told your friends. You were never there when I learned my first word and walked my first step.
You see? I am a grown up woman now, no longer the kid who asks the attention you have never given me. My bones are bigger and I can now work ‘til night to support myself. I am no longer the little parasite who always asks baon from you whom you often gave two pesos. I remember that I always buy a cup of macaroni at school to feed my hungry stomach. But now, I have more than that tinkling two peso coins in my pocket. I will no longer be a bother to your purse. Your money won’t be diminished anymore by my filthy hands at play.
I graduated my kinder years with flying colors. I was so happy because mom bought me a new dress. But you didn’t go home for my affair. You busted my bubble. I was planning then to boast my medal on you.
I haven’t seen you since that time until we went home to mom’s province. I was looking for you when we were already in the ship. But even your shadow seems not to exist anymore. Then, time passed so fast. I grew up with grandpa and grandma’s care.
You suddenly decided to get us back and build your own definition of a family. So you brought us again to that chaotic city with mom, only to make my childhood suffer more.
I am no longer the cry baby, who weeps so loud whenever you and mom had a fight; who hides under our stairs when knives and guns get along your heated conversation. Now I know already that knives and guns can kill you if you let them. I can now defend myself and fight for my survival.
Remember the time I used to stay up at night waiting for mom to come home? My siblings and I haven’t eaten our dinner yet. Howling stomachs of my sister and brother lulled them to sleep, but I was not given the right to lie snoring in bed because I have to look up for them and the very small house we rented. I was just ten years old then, with the three of us left in that very dangerous city where thieves, rapists, and drug addicts strived.
Where was mom? She was looking for you in the middle of the night in the hope of finding you to beg money in order to feed us.
And where were you that time? You were so dead drunk from 24/7 partying with your equally irresponsible friends in bars with girls dancing disgustingly naked in front of pervert males.
But today, I no longer stay up at night to look for my siblings. They’re also grown up like me now and they don’t need babysitting anymore.
I was so sick. I almost died from dehydration. Mom was so desperate I thought she would have gone mad. Auntie carried me and rushed me to the hospital. Doctors were very busy injecting all kinds of stuff at me. I am afraid of needles, a thing you don’t know but mom does. But why didn’t I feel the pain anymore? Do people become numb when they are seconds away from death?
I called your name but no one answered. How would you come to me when you were having a good time with your other woman and throwing all your money on that gambling game, instead of buying me those medicines to make me survive? You know how sickly I was, always blaming me that your money often went to a useless frail kid. And that kid was me.
But my body is stronger now. I have more antibodies inside to fight those bacteria and viruses which always eat away your cold money. Anyway, you haven’t taken care of me, not even once, so anyhow, it’s not a big deal at all.
I guess you became fed up again of seeing our faces and feeding our mouths, which ironically you seldom did, so you gave us away to our grandparents again. But I didn’t lose my jolly child heart even though we seldom live longer in the same place. At an early age, I learned to adjust with the always new environment and people. I can’t remember how many times I switched schools. But I still had playmates anyway.
Yes, as every kid does, I graduated my elementary days. But not just plainly graduated because again, I have medals and ribbons to be pinned by supposedly mom and you. But who came? Uncle! Why uncle? I guess you just don’t have an hour for a parasite like me.
Like the falling leaves of the trees, days passed swiftly. 1st year… 2nd year… 3rd year… Mom was always there during those secondary days of mine; meetings, awarding, contests, parties. My classmates since elementary don’t even know your face until now because you were seldom seen as a blue moon in my student life.
But alas! You came during my high school graduation day! My classmates finally had a glimpse of you. They told me that I really looked like you, except the hair. Yours are curly and mine is straight. I know why you came, because every graduate needed two escorts. That’s why you and grandma accompanied me in the processional. Mom was the one who took the pictures. I wonder if you were so proud of me that time. I got the highest honors remember? But how will I ever read that overused poker face of yours?
Picture taking came but you were nowhere to find. Your responsibility to escort me has ended so you’re gone like a fleeting bubble. Anyway, it’s no longer your obligation to accompany me during the graduation ball, picture taking, and sharing my happiness as a father right? But why my classmates’ fathers were there ‘til the end of the event? So much for my theatrics.
I took that scholarship and went to college. Enrolment day. Mom was with me, accompanying me to that new place. Of course! Universities are big and somewhat frightening to a newbie like me. And it was far… far… away from home. I saw many students with their dads, dads going through the hurly burly of enrolment without complaining, yet happy to share their son’s and daughter’s grief and jitters as a freshman.
I excused myself to the bathroom, stared blankly at the mirror and asked myself like crazy. “Do dads like that really exist?”
1st year… 2nd year… 3rd year… My college years went by so fast. You never visited me at least a minute in my dormitory. Maybe you’re busy. Maybe you didn’t have the money for fare. Or maybe you just didn’t care at all. Like you always did.
4th year. You told mom to make me stop in my schooling. Mom was so angry at you. You’re not even the one supporting me in my studies and you had the guts to tell her that. She did everything for me. EVERYTHING I owe to reach this spot I am now.
When I was so busy hurdling all the hardships on my thesis, mom suddenly broke the news on me. You both decided to break the knot. I guess she couldn’t take anymore the sufferings you gave her, the verbal abuse, the beatings. So now we already belong to the billion and one broken homes in this planet. Did I cry that time? I can’t even remember. What was the difference it made? Nothing. All my life I didn’t even thought that I had a complete family.
GRADUATION DAY. Oh, you came? So I should have felt complete that time? Why did you come? Because grandma told you to.
I was so pressured between you and mom that time. How will I talk to both of you without the other feeling out of place? Since you don’t talk to each other anymore when you broke up. I was between two deaf and mute robots.
Ta da da dan tan tan… Mom put the medal on me again, like she used to do through all those years. Did you ever come up on stage to do that for me? Was I just having a memory gap or was there no moment at all to remember? Weren’t you proud of me just that time? Not all dads have the privilege to see their child receive a Latin honor. I did everything for you to at least like me if not love. For you to become proud of me. For you to notice me and say “ Hey guys, this is my daughter. I am so lucky to have a great kid like her.” But all those achievements were left unnoticed like a daffodil feather flown by the wind.
Everyone congratulated me except you. I guess you’re just not good with words. Where was the hug? The tap at the back? Nothing. Not even a single compliment.
You went to your home without me and mom. I guess that was the last time you performed your duty on me. After that we haven’t seen each other anymore. No communication. You went off like a free bachelor. Enjoyed the life you have without any responsibility. Partied like there’s no tomorrow. You seem to have gotten amnesia, forgetting your very own family. Starving. Poor. Laughing stock. Gossip topic. Broken.
After a long time, grandma called me, “Your father had a stroke.”
I was stunned for a moment. I couldn’t believe what my ears heard. The tower you built for yourself which made you unreachable for a daughter like me was shattered now. It toppled down, broken into tiny irreparable pieces.
I never thought that I am still capable of crying over you, over all your negligence as a father, over all your faults as the head of the family, over the hurtful words from you, over your imperfections. Until a tear fell… Followed by another… and a whole lot more.
I was crying over all the lost time, of pity, of the love you’ve never given me, of the love I’ve never shown you, of the lost chance to become your daughter and you to me as a father.
Now, you’re lying in your bed like a dead, half body unable to move, speech hard to understand, eyes almost blind. When I first saw you, I don’t know what to say, but I know what I feel. Yet I never let my guard down. I didn’t give away any trace of sympathy. I guess I learned that poker face from you. See how you influenced my life?
Now you’re reaching out to me. But the pride and ego of yours haven’t change at all, maybe a bit. I know you can still see and hear me amidst your vegetative state. I am now the baby you denied as your daughter. I am now the kid you didn’t want. I am now the teenager you haven’t given time with. I am now the woman you haven’t thought I could be.
There are no more awake nights and hungry stomachs waiting for you. No more sickly kid to waste your money for. No more birthdays and Christmases to cry with because you’re not there. No more graduations to attend to because they told you so. There are no more moments of the past that you can turn back and change.
Now you’re helpless, old, and very sick. You’re calling the kid you once never wanted. But I came. I wanted to see you. I wanted to show you that I still care in spite of all the wrong you made. If there was one thing you made right, it was when you NEVER HIT ME. I guess that’s the only reason why I can’t hate you. Or maybe I was wrong. I can’t hate you because no matter how I deny it, you’re still the only real father I will ever have in this world. And I can’t change the fact that I love you despite your imperfection. Deep down in me lies that love, covered only by the hurt of not knowing you more than your name and the truth that I came from you. That realization struck me.
Almost all my life mom was the only parent I used to know. You exist but it seemed that your miles away from us. I even asked myself if I really had a father after all.
But today, I can’t bear seeing you defeated by your own enemy, yourself. I still can’t believe you’re helpless now. That’s why I have to go. You know I can’t stay with you because of many reasons. I still have to lift the responsibility you turned your back on. They needed me. Someday I will be able to teach myself on how to show that hidden love for you. I hope that someday is not too late yet.
I wish that the words I will leave for you will heal everything between us. It sincerely comes from this lonely heart of mine. A heart that once has been so thirsty for a fatherly love you never gave. But you helped this heart become tougher and determined with all the things you made me experience.
“I forgive you for all the wrong you did. You were, are, and will be my father forever. I will not ask for anyone in this world to replace you.”
the daughter you once never wanted | | |
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Someday you will forget me
You will soon find someone new.
Another one to call baby
Someone just a distance from you.
You are like the wind in track
You came once in my life’s flow.
But you’ll never be coming back
How I wish winds don’t come and go.
I wonder every cold night
Who will be there to say goodnight?
Every waking hour of your life
Who will be there to take my place?
Days feel like centuries stiff
Since the time you went away.
Even now, I’m asking myself
Was having you…
Only a dream ONE SUMMER DAY?
To you, what will be left?
The faded photograph I gave you.
Which you will someday throw
With the memories you will no longer keep.
To me, what should I treasure?
The shattered lettered cube.
The black ring I wear no more
All the moments I’ll still have the day I grow old.
As I play my broken guitar
The unshed teardrops start to fall.
But you’ll no longer hear this cry afar
Since the day you left my dying soul.
You’ll never see me fuss and smile again
You will stop caring and cut the play.
My life changed since that April morning
Was having you…
Only a dream ONE SUMMER DAY?
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I can hear her again
Sitting in the dark room
Face in her hand, sobbing
Shoulders shaking in gloom.
I don't really know why
Every time her tears fall
I feel them too and cry
Broken like a lost soul.
The haunting cries i hear
Are needles to my heart
In her, there's so much fear
But in darkness she is part.
Every night she's like that
Facing that dark corner
All hope in her lay flat
I wish I can help her.
The story of her life
Was an open book to me
She was once with no strife
A happy girl, full of glee.
But when summer ended
Gone was the girl I knew
Since they separated
For her man was untrue.
Smiles from her, you can't get
Laughter is out of reach
To forgive and forget
Is easier to preach.
That witty lady is dead!
Gone with her shattered love
Sitting frigid on her bed
Facing the mirror they have.
Pent-up feelings, now free
As shock opened my mind
Hollow eyes looking back at me
Are perfectly the same as mine.
Now I already know
Why I feel her pain, too
'cause the girl in the mirror
Is ME..alive no more!
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